Listen, I want to review movies for you but I'm on a time crunch. I have a lot of important things to do. So I can only have time to review movie posters. Let's get this party started...right?
G-FORCE is about a hooker gerbil. It combines Richard Gere's biggest movie with Richard Gere's biggest urban legend.
PULL QUOTE: "If you take your easy to please kid to only ONE MOVIE this year, make it G-FORCE!"
Fox has got to stop with the origin movies. Wolverine, Aliens, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and now this. IMAGINE THAT is a prequel to THE CRYING GAME (when the screenplay was making the rounds, it was called THE CRYING PRE-GAME and then changed to CRYING GAME ORIGINS: DIL), that sheds some light on Dil's backstory. As you may remember he lived his life as a lady, even though he had a wiener.
So convincing is Dil that he fooled his Dad for the first 8 or so years. The poster represents the moment in the film when he gives Dil a piggyback ride and feels his/her erection. His reaction? "Imagine that!" Also his Dad wears quirky socks and loses his mouth but gets laser beam eyes.
PULL QUOTE: "Think it looks bad, smart guy? Well it's written by the guys that created BILL + TED, so who's laughing now? See, you are! You're laughing! Oh, you're laughing at it? I thought you were laughing with it. Nope, like right at it. I understand."
MY SISTER'S KEEPER
This one's easy. On a cold winter's day, a young girl finds she has a special gift: blowing huge bubbles of detailed pictures. Will she use her gift for good or evil? SPOILERS: it doesn't matter, it's just pictures in a bubble...even if it was used for evil, I mean, it's bubbles...what harm could she do? Grow up.
PULL QUOTE: "This movie blows! Bubbles!"
I SELL THE DEAD
The 2009 Overacting Competition is held in Austin, Texas. Charlie from LOST is a young upstart from a very poor family. He has perfected his overacting mug-face for years, in the reflection of a dirty spoon (reminder: family is very, very poor). He hitchhikes to the compeitition and finds he's in over his crazy, bug-eyed head. Crazy competition to be sure. Some Old Guy, for instance, wows people with his "Scrooge Smells a Fart" face and a Guy with a Tophat blows people away with a look that could only be called the "I know something you don't know". Just when things are looking grim, Charlie from LOST meets Ron Perlman...former champion, who had to bow out after a stroke.
Ron Perlman teaches Charlie from LOST, and after a crazy triumphant montage (set to Madonna's VOGUE), Charlie is ready. Final competition, he gets over his stage fright by picturing everyone in the audience as dirty spoons, and whips out his winning new face: "Is it cold in here or is just AAAAAAAH ZOMBIES!"
PULL QUOTE: ":)"
INDIANA JONES AND KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL made so much money bringing back one of Harrison Ford's most beloved characters. The Weinstein Company LOVES money, so they decide to bring back Jack Ryan. Problem is, they don't have the rights to the character and they don't have much money (which they love) so they make the straight-to-video CROSSING OVER, starring Rack Jyan, who has just survived a melee on the Red Rocktober submarine and now faces a new threat: Ray Liotta. In a weird fuck-up of casting, Liotta, who is IN the movie, does not play himself. Ashley Judd does a pretty good Liotta though. The actual Liotta plays Rack Jyan's wife. Also named Ray Liotta. It's not the best written movie in the world.
If this does well, we can expect NEAR AND PRESENT ANGER and NOT-PATRIOT GAMES. Also if this does well, we can also expect hell to freeze over because look at this terrible poster.
PULL QUOTE: "Please, hell, freeze over!"
And that concludes my movie (poster) reviews for now. I hope this has you choose the movie that is right for you.
Hey, it's the 8th anniversary of my site, ANGRY NAKED PAT. Go on over and check out some stuff there, it's pretty awesome.
If you want me to review a specific movie poster, please, feel free to provide a link in the comments section.
I love you.
10 months ago