Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Best (and Worst) Movies of 2009

Every other site is compiling their best of/worst of lists, and everyone's asking me "Brian, what movies left their mark on YOUR brain?" well, I have to admit, I don't have the best memory, but I'll do my best to remember. Please, sit back, pull up a chair, and let's have us a one-sided conversation about the BEST and WORST of 2009.


10. ZOMBIELAND (2009)

Woody Harrelson and Jessie Eisenberg head an all-dead cast in a joustabout round of fun that was a treat for my funny bone AND horror bone. Definitely see this movie BEFORE someone ruins the fact that Bill Murray has a really funny surprise cameo.

09. THE UGLY TRUTH (2009)

Katherine Heigl plays an uptight shrew who’s unlucky at love. Gerard Butler plays a caveman pretending to be Howard Stern. Ain’t no way these guys are gonna find love! Truth is, I have no idea if they do. I just watched part of this on On Demand last week because my wife was sick and wanted a romantic comedy, so here you go.

08. WHIP IT (2009)

I didn't see this movie but I just got back from an amazing hotel that had a really funny commercial for it on the Pay-Per-View. Actually it wasn't that funny but the dinner I had before it was amazing so I was in a really good mood. Anyway, everyone involved with WHIP IT should be proud, maybe.

07. FANTASTIC MR. FOX (2009)

I saw this one straight through so already it's better than THE UGLY TRUTH. George Clooney plays a puppet or something, I got bored and checked Twitter. GREAT performance by Ashton Kutscher, wait, that was Twitter, but MR. FOX was good.

06. THIS IS IT (2009)

A heartbreaking portrait of okay I didn't see this either. I have a lot going on, okay? But it was probably great because Michael Jackson is a wonderful performer, and CAPTAIN EO was alright so this is probably, at the very least, fair to middling. At least better than the George Clooney/Ashton Kutscher puppet buddy comedy.

05. A SERIOUS MAN (2009)

I saw this one, credits to credits, but I still don't think I saw the whole movie. It doesn't matter, really. The Coen Brothers prove that if you make an amazing movie, you don't NEED to end it. Besides, walking out of a movie feeling like you saw the entire story is SO pre-LORD OF THE RINGS.

04. FAME (2009)

FAME only beats A SERIOUS MAN because it had an ending. Oh, and dancing. It wasn't great, but again, I saw it kinda recently so it's fresh in my mind. Also, it had a trailer for WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE which I thought was beautiful. Damn, I wish I had seen WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE, I bet that would have been on my list.


The trailer really made me ask "well, where are they?" which is what a trailer should do. It had a great soundtrack, too. The trailer, not sure about the movie. The movie could have had nothing but cats farting and I wouldn't know. Actually, not true, if they had done that, I definitely would have heard about it.


I made it through the entire movie. It made me hungry, though, because the food was coming at me in 3-D and if food flies at me in 3-D, I want it to land in my mouth. After I saw the movie, we went to Cheesecake Factory and I told the waitress (jokingly) to throw the food at me. Long story short, she didn't see the movie and it was soup and I am disfigured. The waitress apologized and I told her to make it up to me she could take me and my wife on a tour of the ACTUAL Cheesecake Factory with all the smokestacks and conveyor belts and (hopefully) cheesecake elves. She looked at me like I was an idiot. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, best movies of 2009. Without further adieu, the best movie of 2009.


I just saw this and I gotta say, this is EASILY the most recent movie of 2009. It had everything I could want in a movie: drama, romance, werewolves and recentness. In all seriousness, it's a modern day classic.

But not everything was as good as THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON. Not even close. Which leads me to my top 5 (bad movies don't deserve 10) worst movies of 2009.



It was great and all, but the writing was stupid at times, and it was boring, and the actors were boring and the direction was boring. A shrug meh feh eh whatevs of a film but other than that, LIS ("like I said"), perfect.

04. AVATAR (2009)

I have only seen the trailers but it comes off like someone hired Brian Michael Bendis to reboot THE SMURFS. On second thought, that sounds awesome, is it too late to move AVATAR to the "best of" list? It is? Aw, Smurf. I mean, aw, Avatar.

03. THE INFORMANT! (2009)

This movie title lied to me because I thought it was going to be exciting but it wasn't. Remember the show VOYAGERS! that had had an exclamation point because you knew these sons of bitches were going to fucking VOYAGE! And they did, and there was falling and kicking and Phineas Bogg was like "good job, kid". They should make a VOYAGERS! movie. And then the sequel could be VOYAGERS? because one of the voyagers is beginning to doubt his lot in life. That said, INFORMANT! was pretty good. Great, even One of the best of the year.


This might have been a movie I made up. For not even being made, it deserves a spot on my "worst of" list. How lazy can you get, people? That said, POOPSHOOT MULLIGAN is not the worst movie of the year. Not by a longshot. That "honor" goes to:


All jestering aside, TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN felt like 5 straight days of a retarded rich kid showing me his toys while punching me in the eardrums. Occasionally his hot sister walks by and you say, "hey retarded rich kid, move your toys so I can see Audrina or whoever" but the retarded rich kid REALLY wants to make sure you notice his newest toy has robot genitals so he shoves them in your face blocking your view of Audrina, and then he plays the newest speed metal ballad until you say uncle. I feel really dumb for having seen this three times.

Thus ends my list (s). What were YOUR favorite movies of 2009? What were YOUR least favorite movies of 2009? Let me know, and give reasons why, so I can regurgitate what you said at cocktail parties and seem smart.

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