How to Survive TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

I didn't like the first TRANSFORMERS movie. And at the risk of sounding stupid, I can't quite make out what is going on in the trailers for TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (I have narrowed it down to "stuff is happening to things"). Yet I will pay my ticket and watch TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN opening weekend.

Why? Because (a) the internet tells me it's the event movie of the summer, (b) director Michael Bay also gave us THE ROCK and the BAD BOYS trilogy (though I must admit to not being a fan of the first one, Sean Penn played things way too seriously. Will Smith taking over the character was the best thing that ever happened to the franchise) and (c) I am a movie geek and it's my duty, nay my privilege, wait, strike that, I was right the first time, my duty to see it.

Don't fool yourself. You're just like me. You're gonna see TRANSFORMERS: RISE OF THE FALLEN too. But it's okay. Even if TRANSFORMERS: LOOK OUT FOR FALLEN is bad, we're gonna survive it. The following is a list of things you can do to make TRANSFORMERS: BEWARE FALLING OBJECTS go by faster.

1. See if you can remember a good movie word-for-word.


Pick a movie other than TRANSFORMERS and see how much of it you can recall. If it's one you truly love, it might drown out the explosions and tires screeching and robots saying absurdly racist comments. On a related note, how sad is it that Autobot Jazz died before the bitches got back to him about what was or was not cracking?

2. Use the movie to reunite with long lost friends.


Call or email someone that you haven't talked to in a while. Someone you really miss but haven't contacted for fear a reunion after all this time might be awkward. Tell them to meet you a minute or so before TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED FALLEN starts to avoid awkward conversation. Watch the movie. People who persevere through traumatic situations together are often bonded for life, plus you'll have something to talk about afterward. You'll be so busy saying stuff like "but I thought Bumblebee's voicebox was repaired in part 1" to discuss why the two of you haven't spoken.

NOTE: If your friend is the kind of person who says stuff like "I don't know, not every movie has to be Shakespeare" and/or "I just wanted to turn off my brain for a few hours and enjoy a good popcorn movie" this might not be the best friend to try this on, because it may lead to squabbling. If your friend is the kind of person who might say "what do you expect, it's a movie based on toys" then maybe he or she is exactly the slap of reality you (or I) need.

3. Pretend the youngest member of your family made the movie.


If Michael Bay gave you a really crude finger painting, you'd waste no time telling him how terrible it is. If your three year old nephew gave you the same really crude finger painting, you'd cherish it. TRANSFORMERS: FALL FOR THIS is a big 200 million dollar finger painting. It may be awful, sure. But admit it, if a toddler wrote and directed it, you'd be impressed. Through power of imagination you can turn a horrible movie into a source of overwhelming pride.

4. Guess which extras Michael Bay had backseat relations with.


Michael Bay crams as many beautiful, buxom ladies as he can into movies. The first TRANSFORMERS was no exception. All the female extras looked like space hookers. I think this was to make Megan Fox look like a classy small-town girl by comparison. And it worked, I honestly thought she was Melissa Gilbert upon first viewing.

Michael Bay is no dummy (insert PEARL HARBOR joke here) and he's the most powerful man on the set, so he's gotta land his share of future hooker lady friends. Try and guess which of the girls answered the ad in BACKSTAGE for EXTRA PLUS RELIEF.

To kill some more time, try and imagine what kind of pick-up lines Bay used on the extras. I'm going with "have you ever done it in an exploding car?" or "wanna make a sex video? Don't worry, I will edit it so frantically no one will be able to tell what's going on anyway."

5. Imagine the movie without robots.


I'm not talking about what would happen to the characters if the robots never came to Earth, I'm talking about watching the exact same movie only without any of the special effects added. Suddenly the movie is about a highly reactive army freaking out over nothing and a kid who likes to shout "Bumblebee!" at the air. It's GARFIELD MINUS GARFIELD with explosions and Tyrese!


On that note, imagine how awesome it would be if 2oth Century Fox re-released the two GARFIELD movies without the CGI Garfield. It would be funnier than the finished movie. Plus, Breckin Meyer could win an Academy Award as the deranged loner who gets exasperated by literally nothing.

Admittedly, this has nothing to do with TRANSFORMERS: I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP but just thinking of GARFIELD MINUS GARFIELD has distracted you from two minutes of the movie. Congratulations, you very well may have just missed a robot farting.

7. See if you can guess which scene made Shia LaBeouf hate cars so much he tried to kill a real one.


One night, after filming, TRANSFORMERS star Shia LaBeouf flipped a car in Hollywood. I've seen his season of PROJECT:GREENLIGHT, the kid is too smart to drink and drive. I'm guessing something snapped inside and he felt he had to destroy the robot cars one by one. Try and spot the exact moment he took matters into his own hands.

8. Try and think of something nice to say about the movie on your future date with Megan Fox.


Comb the movie for a nice compliment if Megan Fox ever does answer your twitter request for malteds. Correct answers range from "I really believed you were running away from stuff" to "I really believed that you believed that thing you were driving in could turn into another thing." Or, think of questions you could ask, like "did you have to run in slow-mo or was that done later" or "were you allowed to ad-lib any screams?"

If all else fails, you can always fall back on "what's Josh Duhamel like?" and then, to kill more time, disagree with whatever answer she gives. "Oh he's nice? Not what I hear." "You didn't really work with him that much? Then explain why I am positive that you did."

9. Play a drinking game.


This one's easy. For you twenty-one and overs, sneak alcohol into the theater. Take a swig whenever Shia screams a robot's name or says "no" three or more times in a row. Take two swigs for slow-mo running. Finish your drink for Bay's signature shot: camera positioned low, looking up as a character stands up dramatically.

Fun fact: Michael Bay played this drinking game on set, every day. He is hardcore.

10. Create the plot for the movie that John Turturro thinks he's in.


Turturro is a great actor. If he's shouting and prancing like a loon, he clearly has been told that this is the right thing to do. I myself picture Turturro thinks he's starring in the Adam Sandler produced "MUGGS McGRUFF: COUNTER INTELLIGENCE". Turturro's character is an easily angered FBI agent who has to go undercover, teaching at a special education school. The black kid from ROLE MODELS has a cameo as someone who makes a pithy comment about boobs, and just when things are looking grim, Rob Schneider tells Muggs he can do eet.

Finally, and most importantly...

11. Yell out hilarious things at random intervals:


Everyone likes a good quip during a movie. That's why people go to theaters instead of watching films at home: on the off-chance someone hilarious is going to MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER the shit out of the movie they're watching. I remember when I saw DEPARTED on opening night at Mann's Chinese Theater, every time a character died I yelled out "well, he's departed". Everyone told me to shut up, knowing of course that such heckling just fuels the best insult comedians.

Anyhoo, when things are looking boring in TRANSFORM THIS, TOO: FALL OUT try your own jokes. Here's a few to get you started:

"This movie is transforming my happiness into shiny new boredom."
"Megan Fox is an appropriate name indeed. She looks like a Megan."
"AUTOBOT? Isn't that what killed Carradine?"
"Nerd boner! No, I'm serious, I have a fetish wherein I am turned on by nerds. This is a cry for help."
"This popcorn is going to transform into poop in no time."
"That's the robot that groped me at Skybar."


I hope this has helped. And who knows, the movie may be good. In which case, print this blog out and save for it G.I. JOE: RISE OF COBRA. Just swap out Megan Fox's name for Sienna Miller and you're golden. Until then, bitches, this has been Brian Lynch with the latest in what's cracking.

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