Saturday, June 20, 2009


I didn't like the first TRANSFORMERS movie. And at the risk of sounding stupid, I can't quite make out what is going on in the trailers for TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (I have narrowed it down to "stuff is happening to things"). Yet I will pay my ticket and watch TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN opening weekend.

Why? Because (a) the internet tells me it's the event movie of the summer, (b) director Michael Bay also gave us THE ROCK and the BAD BOYS trilogy (though I must admit to not being a fan of the first one, Sean Penn played things way too seriously. Will Smith taking over the character was the best thing that ever happened to the franchise) and (c) I am a movie geek and it's my duty, nay my privilege, wait, strike that, I was right the first time, my duty to see it.

Don't fool yourself. You're just like me. You're gonna see TRANSFORMERS: RISE OF THE FALLEN too. But it's okay. Even if TRANSFORMERS: LOOK OUT FOR FALLEN is bad, we're gonna survive it. The following is a list of things you can do to make TRANSFORMERS: BEWARE FALLING OBJECTS go by faster.

1. See if you can remember a good movie word-for-word.

Pick a movie other than TRANSFORMERS and see how much of it you can recall. If it's one you truly love, it might drown out the explosions and tires screeching and robots saying absurdly racist comments. On a related note, how sad is it that Autobot Jazz died before the bitches got back to him about what was or was not cracking?

2. Use the movie to reunite with long lost friends.

Call or email someone that you haven't talked to in a while. Someone you really miss but haven't contacted for fear a reunion after all this time might be awkward. Tell them to meet you a minute or so before TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED FALLEN starts to avoid awkward conversation. Watch the movie. People who persevere through traumatic situations together are often bonded for life, plus you'll have something to talk about afterward. You'll be so busy saying stuff like "but I thought Bumblebee's voicebox was repaired in part 1" to discuss why the two of you haven't spoken.

NOTE: If your friend is the kind of person who says stuff like "I don't know, not every movie has to be Shakespeare" and/or "I just wanted to turn off my brain for a few hours and enjoy a good popcorn movie" this might not be the best friend to try this on, because it may lead to squabbling. If your friend is the kind of person who might say "what do you expect, it's a movie based on toys" then maybe he or she is exactly the slap of reality you (or I) need.

3. Pretend the youngest member of your family made the movie.

If Michael Bay gave you a really crude finger painting, you'd waste no time telling him how terrible it is. If your three year old nephew gave you the same really crude finger painting, you'd cherish it. TRANSFORMERS: FALL FOR THIS is a big 200 million dollar finger painting. It may be awful, sure. But admit it, if a toddler wrote and directed it, you'd be impressed. Through power of imagination you can turn a horrible movie into a source of overwhelming pride.

4. Guess which extras Michael Bay had backseat relations with.

Michael Bay crams as many beautiful, buxom ladies as he can into movies. The first TRANSFORMERS was no exception. All the female extras looked like space hookers. I think this was to make Megan Fox look like a classy small-town girl by comparison. And it worked, I honestly thought she was Melissa Gilbert upon first viewing.

Michael Bay is no dummy (insert PEARL HARBOR joke here) and he's the most powerful man on the set, so he's gotta land his share of future hooker lady friends. Try and guess which of the girls answered the ad in BACKSTAGE for EXTRA PLUS RELIEF.

To kill some more time, try and imagine what kind of pick-up lines Bay used on the extras. I'm going with "have you ever done it in an exploding car?" or "wanna make a sex video? Don't worry, I will edit it so frantically no one will be able to tell what's going on anyway."

5. Imagine the movie without robots.

I'm not talking about what would happen to the characters if the robots never came to Earth, I'm talking about watching the exact same movie only without any of the special effects added. Suddenly the movie is about a highly reactive army freaking out over nothing and a kid who likes to shout "Bumblebee!" at the air. It's GARFIELD MINUS GARFIELD with explosions and Tyrese!

On that note, imagine how awesome it would be if 2oth Century Fox re-released the two GARFIELD movies without the CGI Garfield. It would be funnier than the finished movie. Plus, Breckin Meyer could win an Academy Award as the deranged loner who gets exasperated by literally nothing.

Admittedly, this has nothing to do with TRANSFORMERS: I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP but just thinking of GARFIELD MINUS GARFIELD has distracted you from two minutes of the movie. Congratulations, you very well may have just missed a robot farting.

7. See if you can guess which scene made Shia LaBeouf hate cars so much he tried to kill a real one.

One night, after filming, TRANSFORMERS star Shia LaBeouf flipped a car in Hollywood. I've seen his season of PROJECT:GREENLIGHT, the kid is too smart to drink and drive. I'm guessing something snapped inside and he felt he had to destroy the robot cars one by one. Try and spot the exact moment he took matters into his own hands.

8. Try and think of something nice to say about the movie on your future date with Megan Fox.

Comb the movie for a nice compliment if Megan Fox ever does answer your twitter request for malteds. Correct answers range from "I really believed you were running away from stuff" to "I really believed that you believed that thing you were driving in could turn into another thing." Or, think of questions you could ask, like "did you have to run in slow-mo or was that done later" or "were you allowed to ad-lib any screams?"

If all else fails, you can always fall back on "what's Josh Duhamel like?" and then, to kill more time, disagree with whatever answer she gives. "Oh he's nice? Not what I hear." "You didn't really work with him that much? Then explain why I am positive that you did."

9. Play a drinking game.

This one's easy. For you twenty-one and overs, sneak alcohol into the theater. Take a swig whenever Shia screams a robot's name or says "no" three or more times in a row. Take two swigs for slow-mo running. Finish your drink for Bay's signature shot: camera positioned low, looking up as a character stands up dramatically.

Fun fact: Michael Bay played this drinking game on set, every day. He is hardcore.

10. Create the plot for the movie that John Turturro thinks he's in.

Turturro is a great actor. If he's shouting and prancing like a loon, he clearly has been told that this is the right thing to do. I myself picture Turturro thinks he's starring in the Adam Sandler produced "MUGGS McGRUFF: COUNTER INTELLIGENCE". Turturro's character is an easily angered FBI agent who has to go undercover, teaching at a special education school. The black kid from ROLE MODELS has a cameo as someone who makes a pithy comment about boobs, and just when things are looking grim, Rob Schneider tells Muggs he can do eet.

Finally, and most importantly...

11. Yell out hilarious things at random intervals:

Everyone likes a good quip during a movie. That's why people go to theaters instead of watching films at home: on the off-chance someone hilarious is going to MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER the shit out of the movie they're watching. I remember when I saw DEPARTED on opening night at Mann's Chinese Theater, every time a character died I yelled out "well, he's departed". Everyone told me to shut up, knowing of course that such heckling just fuels the best insult comedians.

Anyhoo, when things are looking boring in TRANSFORM THIS, TOO: FALL OUT try your own jokes. Here's a few to get you started:

"This movie is transforming my happiness into shiny new boredom."

Megan Fox is an appropriate name indeed. She looks like a Megan."
AUTOBOT? Isn't that what killed Carradine?"
"Nerd boner! No, I'm serious, I have a fetish wherein I am turned on by nerds. This is a cry for help."

"This popcorn is going to transform into poop in no time."

"That's the robot that groped me at Skybar."

I hope this has helped. And who knows, the movie may be good. In which case, print this blog out and save for it G.I. JOE: RISE OF COBRA. Just swap out Megan Fox's name for Sienna Miller and you're golden. Until then, bitches, this has been Brian Lynch with the latest in what's cracking.

If you're not following me at Twitter, you really should. My tweets are like travel sized blogs that kiss your brain.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Script Review: Christopher Nolan's PEANUTS

Last week I broke the 30 ROCK IS A RIP-OFF OF THE MUPPET SHOW scandal. Truth be told, I have no idea how I was going to follow that up. But then, someone sent me a screenplay that absolutely NO ONE had read yet. I have a scoop on my hands. And you're about to have a scoop in your eyes.

With BATMAN BEGINS and THE DARK KNIGHT, director Christopher Nolan took a comic book property and spun an introspective, dark and gritty crime drama. Out came the freeze rays and vats of acid, in came grounded, real world scenarios and Batman having some form of throat cancer. Fans are waiting with bated breath for news of Christopher Nolan's next BATMAN movie.

Keep waiting, people. BATMAN is not his next project. Nolan is taking another famous comic franchise and turning it on it's ear. Instead of beating around the cyber bush any longer, allow me to simply tell you what it says on the title page:


Story by David S. Goyer & Christopher Nolan

Written by Christopher Nolan and Jonathan Nolan

Based on the Daily Graphic Novella "Peanuts"
by Charles Schulz

Fourth Draft 03-25-09

Yes, I know. A PEANUTS movie re-imagined by Christopher Nolan and we haven't heard of it until now. But I trust my source (he's from a very reliable movie news site...I'd give you the link but I don't want an influx of hits to overwhelm his geocities address). And I hope you trust me. But if not, I offer THIS photographic evidence:

That's me looking at the script. You can see it in the corner a little. See how amazed I am? Do you think I get that amazed at just anything? Now I have proven without a shadow of a doubt that I have this script, let us move on.

My source said Warner Brothers is keeping PRE-NUTS under wraps because they fear fan backlash. I can see what he means, the script is quite a departure from what we expect from PEANUTS, and might be too much for die-hard PEANUT fans (dubbed BROWNIES by the foreign media). It is a reboot in the truest sense of the word, and as you can tell from the title it is most definitely taking place before the PEANUTS we know and love. Think of it as PEANUTS ORIGINS: CHARLIE BROWN.

I know what you're thinking: "But what is the script about?". To which I say "why are you thinking questions to me?". I will still tell you what the script is about because seriously, why should get all the good script reviews?

Warning: Spoilers ahead!

Nolan lets you know right up front that this is not your father's PEANUTS. Take this opening line:

A SINGLE YELLOW bird flutters about a night sky. Circling, looping, fighting to stay in flight but the winds are too great. Like a wounded angel he crashes to the ground. Raising a wing-fist to the heavens, he chirps but for a moment. Even though we're listening to birdspeak it's clear he's cursing God.

The action then cuts to the lead. As you can guess, the film revolves around CHARLES "CHARLIE" BROWN. He is aged up a bit, the script describes as "16 years old, suffering from male pattern baldness brought on by stress".

What is Charlie Brown so stressed about? Well, his happy existence of making over dead Christmas trees comes to a screeching halt when an airborne virus strikes every adult, so they can only express themselves in trumpet sounds. And as you can tell from this script excerpt, some children aren't taking it well:

A single realistic tear runs down Sally's eye. Charlie Brown puts his hand on her shoulder.

They really did it us this time, didn't they? Goddamn, goddamn blockheads.

The President is addressing matters. Maybe it's just our town...

On the TV is THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL. And then, standing at the presidential podium is THE PRESIDENT (noble, black, realistic). He looks at the monitor, clears his throat, and calmly states...

Waugh waugh waugh waugh. Waugh waugh.

SLOW-ZOOM in on Charlie Brown's face.

Good Grief. This shit just got real.

Adults continue with their lives but are ignored by the children, who form a society that is very LORD OF THE FLIES meets FAMILY CIRCUS. While the youngsters go through the now-hollow motions of attending school, they live unsupervised and completely free to do whatever they want. They converse only with their peers. New traditions and laws are quickly established: rocks are now acceptable gifts. Dinner every night consists of toast, pretzels, popcorn and jelly beans and is eaten on a ping pong table. The school play is run completely by children. One child, specifically. His name? LINUS VAN PELT.

The script refers to Linus as "A bundle of neurosis possessing a knowledge far beyond his age or childish habits." Linus carries a blue blanket with him everywhere, and constantly changes the origin of his dependency each time he discusses it. One minute that blanket is the last thing his Dad ever gave to him, the next minute the blanket is cut from the tunic of the great and powerful Pumpkin Deity that appears once a calender year. Truly dark stuff, but Nolan squared and Goyer aren't afraid to go there.

Certain children flourish in the society's new deal. Chief among them is Linus' sister LUCY VAN PELT.

The script calls for a "16 going on 30, with an inner rage rarely seen in a child, think a young Bea Arthur."

After the trumpet virus spreads, more and more children break down and need help coping. Lucy, ever the snake oil salesman, begins counseling the children for 5 cents a session. Charlie Brown becomes her chief source of income, as the lack of parental guidance has warped his mind to the point of (possible) hallucinations. So lonely and desperate is he, he believes his dog (who is clearly patterned after SNOOPY but never referred to as such, my source indicates the name was deemed too childish) has the soul of a World War I flying ace.

The script takes the time to explain that the dog's attitude and callous nature represents Charlie Brown's Id. I don't know what that means, but I trust Christopher Nolan. After all, he was smart enough to spend 3 minutes of BATMAN BEGINS explaining where Batman's ears come from.

Charlie Brown's hallucinations grow stronger, to the point of the dog developing it's own psychological problems: a split personality. He-who-is-not-Snoopy alternates between the flying ace and a Fonzie-like too-cool-for-school persona, Charlie increases his visits to Lucy. Their sessions recall early Tony Soprano/Dr. Melfi. Charlie and Lucy grow closer throughout, even as part of the therapy involves a weird "trust exercise" which consists of Lucy taking a football away right when Charlie Brown is about to kick it.

Around page 25 I began to wonder who exactly the villain of the movie was going to be. Was it the virus itself? Was it society? Was But then, a new character jumped off the page and kissed my eyeballs:


A YOUNG BOY scurries out of the darkened corner of the alley.
The original color of his skin, hair or clothes has long since been lost to dirt and grime. Lice run about his head (production note: CGI Lice? talk to marketing), sores and bruises cover his body. Hell has vomited him out and won't take him back. He is scared. He is wild. He is feral. This is PIG-PEN.

Pig-Pen isn't the chief antagonist, he's merely a dupe henchman to a cabal of evil. A barrage of horrific villains are introduced. They include a Cannibal Tree that demands Charlie Brown's belongings be ritually sacrificed, a mysterious redhead who has siren like powers over men despite the fact that no one can get a good look at her, and a lesbian couple who appear to have history with Charlie Brown (my source says their back story will be the subject of the PRE-NUTS straight-to-video anime movie that will come out with the release of theatrical PRE-NUTS proper).

Charlie Brown surmises that all these events are tied into each other, and as he and Lucy get closer to the truth, they also get closer to each other. Here is where the movie most deviates from the Daily Graphic Novella. Charlie Brown and Lucy make love. It starts out violently as they hurl a baseball at each other to remove their clothes, and builds to an awkward moment when Lucy suggests they do it "doggy style" so Charlie has sex with her while tossing Easter eggs at kids and typing "It was a Dark and Stormy Night."

Like BATMAN BEGINS and THE DARK KNIGHT before it, PRE-NUTS is jam-packed with set pieces to offset the drama. There is a dogfight involving bi-planes and a flying doghouse that is shockingly gritty and bloody that, if done right, will be as good as anything in PEARL HARBOR. Some of the characters drop acid in the desert and meet a skinnier, hat-wearing, facial hair sporting version of Charlie Brown's dog. There is a rafting race, a fire at a boarding school, a bump-and-grind dance sequence at a rave that, according to the script, will feature the classic PEANUTS theme remixed by The Chemical Brothers with vocals by "someone really urban yet realistic".

Charlie Brown eventually figures out who is behind the mayhem. I don't want to spoil it, but when characters openly admit to worshiping pumpkin deities and lie about their blankets, it's kind of a red flag that they've got some screws loose. Well, not so much red flags as blue blankets. They have blue blankets. Linus is behind it, is my point.

Will Charlie Brown save the day? I can't ruin everything for you, I already subtly hinted who was behind the whole thing, but I can say that yes he does.

The script is not without it's problems. For one thing, it is 210 pages. At one minute per page, that's like...roughly 210 minutes. The black character, FRANKLIN, is given absolutely nothing to do. And I know we live in tough times and everybody's just trying to make a buck, but product placement IN the screenplay? Tacky. An excerpt:


Charlie Brown takes a bite of his delicious Dolly Madison snack cake and answers the phone.

(into phone)

Hello? You have information? This better not be a trap, I don't want to die. Even though I am covered by Met Life. Like all good people.
(a beat)
Okay, Okay, I'm on my way. Yes, I'll be there. Is that anywhere near Knott's Berry Farm? Good Grief on a stick is that place the best.

That said, and I'm not just trying to be quoted on a poster, PRE-NUTS: CHARLIE BROWN BEGINS is fun for all ages between 18-25, especially the ones that wear a lot of black. It certainly a roller coaster ride of a movie. Not a particularly exciting roller coaster, maybe one of those old kiddie roller coasters you remember from your youth and say "oh man I love that roller coaster" but it gets redone and then it's all serious and even boring. That kind of roller coaster.

Not how I should grade? Some reviewers do thumbs up and down, but I think that's copyrighted. Letter grade? Number? Stars? I better cover all the bases:

FINAL GRADE: B.5 stars up.

And hey, if you dug this, check out my twitter over at I'm just as clever over there, only in travel size portions.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Twitter Trending Topics That Indicate Aliens Might Be Invading Earth

If you're like me and you get your news through the Twitter Trending Topics, I would like to do you a cyber solid and suggest that if you see any or all of these Trending Topics on your Twitter, turn off your computer, grab a gun and hide under your bed, because there's a good chance Earth is getting invaded.

#alien invasion
#never able to watch ET again
#obama probably in cahoots
#host gestating egg sac
#indepedence day FTW
#wheres ripley JK
#followfriday dark overlord

Monday, June 1, 2009

(More) Movie (Poster) Reviews!

Listen, I want to review movies for you but I'm on a time crunch. I have a lot of important things to do. So I can only have time to review movie posters. Let's get this party started...right?


G-FORCE is about a hooker gerbil. It combines Richard Gere's biggest movie with Richard Gere's biggest urban legend.

PULL QUOTE: "If you take your easy to please kid to only ONE MOVIE this year, make it G-FORCE!"


Fox has got to stop with the origin movies. Wolverine, Aliens, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and now this. IMAGINE THAT is a prequel to THE CRYING GAME (when the screenplay was making the rounds, it was called THE CRYING PRE-GAME and then changed to CRYING GAME ORIGINS: DIL), that sheds some light on Dil's backstory. As you may remember he lived his life as a lady, even though he had a wiener.

So convincing is Dil that he fooled his Dad for the first 8 or so years. The poster represents the moment in the film when he gives Dil a piggyback ride and feels his/her erection. His reaction? "Imagine that!" Also his Dad wears quirky socks and loses his mouth but gets laser beam eyes.

PULL QUOTE: "Think it looks bad, smart guy? Well it's written by the guys that created BILL + TED, so who's laughing now? See, you are! You're laughing! Oh, you're laughing at it? I thought you were laughing with it. Nope, like right at it. I understand."


This one's easy. On a cold winter's day, a young girl finds she has a special gift: blowing huge bubbles of detailed pictures. Will she use her gift for good or evil? SPOILERS: it doesn't matter, it's just pictures in a bubble...even if it was used for evil, I mean, it's bubbles...what harm could she do? Grow up.

PULL QUOTE: "This movie blows! Bubbles!"


The 2009 Overacting Competition is held in Austin, Texas. Charlie from LOST is a young upstart from a very poor family. He has perfected his overacting mug-face for years, in the reflection of a dirty spoon (reminder: family is very, very poor). He hitchhikes to the compeitition and finds he's in over his crazy, bug-eyed head. Crazy competition to be sure. Some Old Guy, for instance, wows people with his "Scrooge Smells a Fart" face and a Guy with a Tophat blows people away with a look that could only be called the "I know something you don't know". Just when things are looking grim, Charlie from LOST meets Ron Perlman...former champion, who had to bow out after a stroke.

Ron Perlman teaches Charlie from LOST, and after a crazy triumphant montage (set to Madonna's VOGUE), Charlie is ready. Final competition, he gets over his stage fright by picturing everyone in the audience as dirty spoons, and whips out his winning new face: "Is it cold in here or is just AAAAAAAH ZOMBIES!"



INDIANA JONES AND KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL made so much money bringing back one of Harrison Ford's most beloved characters. The Weinstein Company LOVES money, so they decide to bring back Jack Ryan. Problem is, they don't have the rights to the character and they don't have much money (which they love) so they make the straight-to-video CROSSING OVER, starring Rack Jyan, who has just survived a melee on the Red Rocktober submarine and now faces a new threat: Ray Liotta. In a weird fuck-up of casting, Liotta, who is IN the movie, does not play himself. Ashley Judd does a pretty good Liotta though. The actual Liotta plays Rack Jyan's wife. Also named Ray Liotta. It's not the best written movie in the world.

If this does well, we can expect NEAR AND PRESENT ANGER and NOT-PATRIOT GAMES. Also if this does well, we can also expect hell to freeze over because look at this terrible poster.

PULL QUOTE: "Please, hell, freeze over!"

And that concludes my movie (poster) reviews for now. I hope this has you choose the movie that is right for you.

Hey, it's the 8th anniversary of my site, ANGRY NAKED PAT. Go on over and check out some stuff there, it's pretty awesome.

If you want me to review a specific movie poster, please, feel free to provide a link in the comments section.

I love you.