Friday, May 29, 2009

Movie (Poster) Reviews!

I have lots of opinions on movies. I know what's good, and what's bad. But I don't have a lot of time, I'm very busy twittering so I can't see every movie willy-nilly. But I know you guys depend on me for my movie reviews (right? right?) and I won't let you down.

I know what you're think-typing. "You just said you don't have time to see the movies, Brian. What are you going to do, review movie trailers?" No, smart ass, that is also too time consuming. Trailers take far too long to load. I'm going to review the posters.

Let's get it started. In here.

See, at first glance, looking at this thing from top to bottom, I would say that Will Ferrell plays a giant T-Rex who hates white walls. But then I look further down and it appears that Will Ferrell plays a guy who loves white walls and there is a T-Rex who is constantly ruining them. Will is mad, too, look at how he's stomping as the T-Rex bursts through that new white wall that Will Ferrell put up. I'm guessing it's a thriller in the vein of LAKEVIEW TERRACE.

PULL QUOTE: "An edge of your seat white-knuckle thrill ride. Will Ferrell is Will, Feral!"

THE ANSWER MAN starring Jeff I think it's Daniels. Hmm. In keeping with Hollywood's current thrend of making movies about walls, this is a post apocalyptic event movie a la WATERWORLD that begs the question, what if we woke up one day and all our walls were missing? Jeff Daniels or Bridges has the Answer, Man: we would make our walls out of whatever the fuck we had lying around the house! In his case, books. Lauren Graham plays a widow who lost her husband when all the walls disappeared (known throughout the world as W-Day) and he was squished by the roof.

I bet there's a moment where someone makes walls out of pancakes. If not, there should be.

NOTE: If I hear THE ANSWER MAN goes back for reshoots next week and does that pancake thing, they're gonna be able to make a wall out of all the money I make from my lawsuit.

PULL QUOTE: "Summertime blues? Jeff Goldblume or whoever has the Answer, Man!"

STRIPPED DOWN is about a down-on-his-luck hitman who, after having a mid-life crisis and botching a hit, gets blackballed by the hitman industry. But the movie doesn't end there, no sir, this guy has to take a job as a seamstress to help pay the bills. He hates it, on account of he's a macho hitman and clothes designing is for the ladies, but to his horror finds out that he's REALLY good at it! It's kinda like GROSSE POINT HAPPY GILMORE.

Eventually he embraces his new job and has no need for his massive gun collection. So then, he decides to incorporate them into his designs. Right when he's at his happiest, he finds his old enemies are using his gun-shoe-designs to SNEAK GUNS ON A PLANE and the hitman dude has got to stop him...but the plane thing is scheduled at the exact same time as his RUNWAY SHOW! Can he do both? We'll have to see. I mean, you will, I'm busy.

PULL QUOTE: "Premiering Soon at a Netflix Watch Instantly Near You!"

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 starring Washington Travolta as a doughy man with weird hair who believes everything is made of chocolate, including walkie-talkies.

PULL QUOTE: "123 Pelhams can't be wrong!"

CITY ISLAND is about a very sad family who tries to get a fresh start by moving into JUNO'S opening credits. Things take a turn for the weird when the wife/mom gets trapped in a picture frame like General Zodd. Andy Garcia asks his son Jeremy Sisto to help him, and the son gets offended because he's not Jeremy Sisto. But then Andy shows him a picture of Jeremy Sisto and they laugh because, hey, honest mistake.

PULL QUOTE: "Is it generic in CITY ISLAND or is it just me?"

I feel better now. Five movie (posters) reviewed. Hopefully this will make your movie going experience easier.


JamesHutchinson said...


Anonymous said...

I like the way you avoided humor. That would have been too obvious.

Brian Lynch said...

Ouch, Anonymous has a bitter, bitter whip!

Carriertone Studios said...

Stripped Down and City Island were my favorites. I totally want to see those posters now, based on your reviews. You do the world a service Brian.

erock said...

Hey Anonymous, you're a dick.

Let's make this a regular feature.

And can we bring back Party Truck please?

gamefan12 said...

I think they did a great job with this. I agree with your review.
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Good information for perfect screen

Tadalis said...

Nice attempt…all I could say is that your effort looks sincere. You would be happy to hear that I completely agree to your viewpoint. However, you need to give more explanation to hit the success chart.

James said...

Stripped Down and City Island were my favorites.

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Great movies! My favorite from that list is The Taking Of Pelham 123. The performance of Denzel Washington it's excellent!

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Plumber hertford said...

So lovely review.Superb movie.