WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD.
Who wants to read a spoiler-laden review of TWILIGHT: NEW MOON? I know, that would be a sweet scoop. I haven't seen TWILIGHT: NEW MOON. But I have seen the posters for it. And so help me, I will spoil the crap out of these posters.
POSTER 1: No Moon, you CAN'T have my girlfriend.
What happens when you're in love with a girl but her ex-boyfriend is LITERALLY the moon? First of all, lots of dates during the day. Secondly, you can never face each other because your face can't compare to the moon. Get all the hairgel and tats you want, you STILL won't control the tides. So backwards hugging is a must. She can pretend you're the moon.
Kristen Stewart is wonderfully half-dead as the girl who must choose between MAN and MOON. Robert...Patterson? Efron? I want to say Pattinson, is that right? Anyway, he's very compelling as the moon. And Taylor Lautner is just happy to be there. The three dudes that play the Gollum Brothers are hilarious (pictured in the background).
SUGGESTED AD-LINE: A star is boring
POSTER 2: Menudo is back and you owe them money.
Yes, I know they're not Puerto Rican. But they're actors, they can stretch. And stretch they DON'T. Taylor Lautner plays front-man let's go with Enrique. He leads his band onstage every night, lip-syncing before fives of tens of screaming female fans, but can he lead his band to safety when their tour bus crashes in the VERY SAME WOODS that are home to crazed psycho inbreds? You bet your sweet ass he can't! Watch them get killed off uno by uno! Also, something something werewolves.
SUGGESTED AD-LINE: Mique Test. One two three GORE.
POSTER 3: The new SAVED BY THE BELL only on the CW.
From the network that brought you the hip edgy 90210 and MELROSE PLACE remakes and the dark and edgy VAMPIRE DIARIES CHRONICLES, comes the hour long SAVED BY THE BELL drama. Robert Pattinson plays Zack Morris (center of the poster). Zack has the power to HALT TIME when the need arises. However PREPARE THYSELF FOR TH RUB using this ability takes it's toll on him physically, making him pale and tired and mopey and oddly, British.
Zack meets Kelly Kapowski (also center), the hot good girl who also is a bit of a stoner and maybe half-dead. Can Zack sway Kelly away from equally pale bad boy AC Slater (left)? Will AC find true love with also very pale Jessie Spano (left, next to Slater)? Will the very black, very pale Lisa Turtle (right) avoid pale stalker creep Screech (right), who may hold the key to Bayside's overwhelming fog problem? Also starring Peter Facinelli as Mr. Belding.
SUGGESTED AD-LINE: You might not ever get up in the morning. Alarms offer no warning. You won't make it. It's not alright.
POSTER 3: National Lampoon's Theater Fraternity.
Dakota Fanning is wonderful as Fannie, shy freshman at Bill Clinton University, the biggest party school on the west coast. As a legacy of the hot slut sorority Pi Pussy Vagina Sorority, Fannie, by LAW, has to pledge...unless she pledges ANOTHER Greek organization.
Enter DOE RAY ME co-ed theater fraternity. But Fannie freezes up whenever she has to speak in public! Don't worry, because creepy co-pledge Slique Longwill, he of the greasy black hair, will help her...just in time for the GREEK OLYMPICS. Winners get control of the Greek Court! Losers get murdered! WHO MADE THAT RULE?
Will Fannie rise up and help Do Ray Me beat Pi Pussy Vagina? Will she learn a life lesson? Will she kiss Slique Longwill? Answers: Yes, yes, and no he's gay.
SUGGESTED AD-LINE: A movie for anyone who's ever pledged a co-ed theater fraternity. So yes, tell that fat guy that works at the Hallmark Gold Crown store who shows you all those pictures of his many cats to check it out.
POSTER 5: Whoa nelly.
Well, obviously TWILIGHT:NEW MOON is a love triangle between a high school girl, a vampire and a werewolf. This poster spells that out and I feel silly for assuming otherwise.
SUGGESTED AD-LINE: It's not them, it's you.
I hope these possibly SPOILER LADEN REVIEWS have helped. And I truly hope this blog has helped get the word out about TWILIGHT. I would check the movie out in November to see if I'm correct, but I'm pretty sure if I go into that theater alone, Chris Hanson will be waiting to talk to me. And then I'll run out, and a cop dressed as a bush will tackle me, and it will be a whole thing.
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10 months ago