Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My review of TWILIGHT:NEW MOON (posters)

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD.

Who wants to read a spoiler-laden review of TWILIGHT: NEW MOON? I know, that would be a sweet scoop. I haven't seen TWILIGHT: NEW MOON. But I have seen the posters for it. And so help me, I will spoil the crap out of these posters.

POSTER 1: No Moon, you CAN'T have my girlfriend.

What happens when you're in love with a girl but her ex-boyfriend is LITERALLY the moon? First of all, lots of dates during the day. Secondly, you can never face each other because your face can't compare to the moon. Get all the hairgel and tats you want, you STILL won't control the tides. So backwards hugging is a must. She can pretend you're the moon.

Kristen Stewart is wonderfully half-dead as the girl who must choose between MAN and MOON. Robert...Patterson? Efron? I want to say Pattinson, is that right? Anyway, he's very compelling as the moon. And Taylor Lautner is just happy to be there. The three dudes that play the Gollum Brothers are hilarious (pictured in the background).

SUGGESTED AD-LINE: A star is boring

POSTER 2: Menudo is back and you owe them money.


Yes, I know they're not Puerto Rican. But they're actors, they can stretch. And stretch they DON'T. Taylor Lautner plays front-man let's go with Enrique. He leads his band onstage every night, lip-syncing before fives of tens of screaming female fans, but can he lead his band to safety when their tour bus crashes in the VERY SAME WOODS that are home to crazed psycho inbreds? You bet your sweet ass he can't! Watch them get killed off uno by uno! Also, something something werewolves.

SUGGESTED AD-LINE: Mique Test. One two three GORE.

POSTER 3: The new SAVED BY THE BELL only on the CW.


From the network that brought you the hip edgy 90210 and MELROSE PLACE remakes and the dark and edgy VAMPIRE DIARIES CHRONICLES, comes the hour long SAVED BY THE BELL drama. Robert Pattinson plays Zack Morris (center of the poster). Zack has the power to HALT TIME when the need arises. However PREPARE THYSELF FOR TH RUB using this ability takes it's toll on him physically, making him pale and tired and mopey and oddly, British.

Zack meets Kelly Kapowski (also center), the hot good girl who also is a bit of a stoner and maybe half-dead. Can Zack sway Kelly away from equally pale bad boy AC Slater (left)? Will AC find true love with also very pale Jessie Spano (left, next to Slater)? Will the very black, very pale Lisa Turtle (right) avoid pale stalker creep Screech (right), who may hold the key to Bayside's overwhelming fog problem? Also starring Peter Facinelli as Mr. Belding.

SUGGESTED AD-LINE: You might not ever get up in the morning. Alarms offer no warning. You won't make it. It's not alright.


POSTER 3: National Lampoon's Theater Fraternity.


Dakota Fanning is wonderful as Fannie, shy freshman at Bill Clinton University, the biggest party school on the west coast. As a legacy of the hot slut sorority Pi Pussy Vagina Sorority, Fannie, by LAW, has to pledge...unless she pledges ANOTHER Greek organization.

Enter DOE RAY ME co-ed theater fraternity. But Fannie freezes up whenever she has to speak in public! Don't worry, because creepy co-pledge Slique Longwill, he of the greasy black hair, will help her...just in time for the GREEK OLYMPICS. Winners get control of the Greek Court! Losers get murdered! WHO MADE THAT RULE?

Will Fannie rise up and help Do Ray Me beat Pi Pussy Vagina? Will she learn a life lesson? Will she kiss Slique Longwill? Answers: Yes, yes, and no he's gay.

SUGGESTED AD-LINE: A movie for anyone who's ever pledged a co-ed theater fraternity. So yes, tell that fat guy that works at the Hallmark Gold Crown store who shows you all those pictures of his many cats to check it out.

POSTER 5: Whoa nelly.


Well, obviously TWILIGHT:NEW MOON is a love triangle between a high school girl, a vampire and a werewolf. This poster spells that out and I feel silly for assuming otherwise.

SUGGESTED AD-LINE: It's not them, it's you.

END SPOILERS.

I hope these possibly SPOILER LADEN REVIEWS have helped. And I truly hope this blog has helped get the word out about TWILIGHT. I would check the movie out in November to see if I'm correct, but I'm pretty sure if I go into that theater alone, Chris Hanson will be waiting to talk to me. And then I'll run out, and a cop dressed as a bush will tackle me, and it will be a whole thing.

You've been TWI-LIT!

If you enjoyed this blog, follow my TWITTER. It's all the fun of my blog, with none of the fat. And if you want to ready my words accompanied by beautiful pictures, check out EVERYBODY'S DEAD.

I love you. Not like that.

32 comments:

groonk said...

You are my new hero.*

(*This week.)

Kelly-Jayne. said...

this is great. i could stop laughing at your titles for the posters. all classic haha

Delloro said...

I'm kind of creeped out by the one with the nipples. First mainstream film to be promoted by man boobs?

Rory Kelly said...

Well done, sir. Hilarious stuff. Retweet'd for sure.

Fender said...

This is some fine Grade-A mockery, Mr. Lynch. The National Lampoon's Theater Fraternity one is my fave though, but only because I think I was in a co-ed theater fraternity. I can't be sure though; college was one big LARP haze for me. XD

Anonymous said...

Nice Bri - some might say your perspective is skewed, but I think you're right on with all of them..

Steph said...

Printing this out for my 15 year old sister to read now! Thanks!

your pal bree said...

Menudo bahah!! oh my what good laugh. Well done I say.

Clarity said...

I, erm.... ????

Jen said...

This is possibly the best review OF ALL TIME for New Moon. I applaud your diligence for reporting the truth.

ladys said...

.........................................................

Term Paper said...

I am a great fan of Twilight ! These posters are Amazing...

gamefan12 said...

I did not like this movie at all. There was nothing there when i was watching it.
denver mesothelioma lawyers

Кредит под залог недвижимости said...

Nice picturs , but film don't impressed me so much!

Term papers said...

I just love this movie waiting for the release of eclipse.

Viagra Online said...

This was hilarious! I think it's the first thing I like about Twilight. So, you just did the impossible, and now that I know what you are capable of, I'd better keep on reading your blog.

online generic viagra said...

Really Twilight is an Excellent Movie.... I had watched this movie 20 times.... and it's great experience... really you have been provided nice information about this movies. Thanks for the share.... online kamagra

Custom Home Detailing said...

These are classics. In a few years these are going to be worth money. Nice post.

James said...

This is possibly the best review OF ALL TIME for New Moon.

generic viagra

Astermeds.com said...

Hi,
This is an awesome blog post, Thanks very much for the share. Keep posting. Thanks!

red kitchenaid mixer said...

i love this film

red kitchenaid mixer said...

i love this film

feathered hair extensions said...

maynn this film is wicked

Term Papers said...

Nice placards, I will watch the movie it seems great.

Term Papers

Anonymous said...

cheap goose jackets online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
goose trillium parka jackets online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
Canada goose freestyle vest online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
Canada Goose Chilliwack Bomber sale online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
Canada Goose Mens Citadel jackets online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
cheap Goose Expedition Parka coats online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
canada goose snow mantra parka online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
Canada Goose Yorkville Parka Jackets online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
womens Goose Chilliwack Parka online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
womens Goose Expedition Parka online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
womens Goose Kensington Parka Jackets online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
womens Goose Montebello Parka jackets online sale Denmark Canada, UK,
Canada Goose Womens Solaris Parka online sale Denmark Canada, UK.

www.lamparas.biz said...

Thanks for the article, very helpful information.

buy herbal viagra said...

Really great post, Thank you for sharing This knowledge.Excellently written article, if only all bloggers offered the same level of content as you, the internet would be a much better place. Please keep it up!

Window Cleaning Irvine said...

This is some nice art.

Los Angeles Hostel said...

Hi Everybody, This article definitely worth looking through. I wish to in person appreciate some time you spend to write the idea. I'm sure happy and even expect a post. I love this movie very much! Great! Thanks Very much!

Alex Jay said...

that was hilarious(lmao). watched the movie and loved it..it was way better than previous episodes..

pay per head call center said...

Wonderful information. I will go to share this to my friends...

jaring safety said...

The article posted was very informative and useful
thanks for sharing..
jaring futsal | jaring golf | jaring kassa / jaring polynet | jaring pengaman proyek | jaring pengaman bangunan | jaring pengaman gedung | jaring gawang | jaring paranet / jaring tanaman | jaring safety |
jaring proyek | jaring bangunan | jaring gedung | jaring outbound | jaring truk | tali tambang |
jaring pengaman | jaring golf murah | jaring futsal murah | jaring truk sawit | jaring pengaman nylon | cargo net |