Saturday, January 30, 2010

THE MOST is coming

Here's a sneak preview...

Friday, January 8, 2010

Friday, January 1, 2010

Trendsetters: The Most Influential People of 2010

2009 was shot in the face and put to bed. We're all up in 2010. It'll be a year full of new beginnings, old middles, and used-but-like-new endings.

Who will lead the charge in the dawn of the new decade? Who will set the tone, call the shots, influence everyone in 2010? I've thought about this long and hard. And so, without further adieu (to all those bringing MORE adieu, you're too late, we're up to here with it, so take it home and have leftover adieu tomorrow), I bring you the people that I THINK will have the biggest impact on 2010, from most to least powerful.


1. My wife Carrie

Let's face it, she's a ball-buster and she's super bossy. She's always like "pick that up" and "put pants on" and I do it. 2010 will continue this trend, as she's got, like, a list of household fixer upper jobs for me and that look in her eye.

2. Barack Obama

He's the President of the United States of America, and in a crazy Disneyesque mix'em up, this guy is black AND cool. He makes all sorts of laws and taxes, and if he wanted to, he could suddenly make me wanted for murder. For that reason alone, he deserves a high ranking on my list.

3. My boss

My boss tells me what to do and when to do it. But only at work, which is why my wife ranks above him. Although sometimes he gives me work to take home and it bleeds over into my home life. Any way, he could fire me which would suck but he CANNOT frame me for murder.

4. Lady Gaga

She's the voice of a new generation, and sometimes she wears muppets all over her body like some kind of teenage Cruella DeVille in a straight to video 101 DALMATIANS prequel. She is the future of entertainment and a trendsetter and I find her teachings creeping into my every day routine. Plus she finally gave an anthem to all those poor souls who were born with pokers for faces.

5. My Parents

They raised me. The values they instilled in me guide my actions like a ghost Christopher Lloyd in a straight to video ANGELS IN BRIAN'S LIFE prequel. And yes, while their personal beliefs have often clashed with Lady Gaga's teachings, I am able to find a happy medium and become the alpha dude.

6. Batman

He's fucking scary. The mere thought of him keeps me on the straight and narrow. Ain't no way I'm (a) committing a crime or (b) stepping foot in Gotham City. That place is NUTS.

7. Diora Baird

She's really hot, but at the same time, as evidenced on HER TWITTER, also really funny. Which motivates me to not just rest on my perfect bone structure and killer body. She's like a sexy angel on my shoulder that whispers "you can do it, you can be all you can be DON'T TOUCH ME THERE be the best you that you know how I'M SERIOUS I WILL PRESS CHARGES."

8. Steven Spielberg

While we haven't met yet, I'd assume this is probably the year he calls and asks me to pen E.T. VS. JURASSIC PARK. Spoilers: E.T. wins. Levitation and level 4 healing and shit.

9. Joss Whedon

I write a bunch of books featuring his characters, and his work has been an ENORMOUS influence on me, but more importantly, I know deep down that 2010 is the year I'm going to call Joss Whedon and rub it in that I'm working with STEVEN FUCKING SPIELBERG. Take that, Joss.

I will only do this, of course, if Spielberg calls me and asks me to pen E.T. VS. JURASSIC PARK. If not, take Spielberg off this list and replace him with "Jesus" (though I admit that this is simply an attempt to get a mention on Jesus' Twitter) and take Joss off this list and replace him with "the lady at Quizno's who tells me to lose weight every time I go in."

10. Me

Let's face it, I am the captain of my own destiny here. When all is said and done, my wife can tell me what to do, and my boss can tell me what to work on, and Batman can tell me to keep my nose clean, but what I do is 100% up to me. And let that be a lesson to all of you, and this is pretty universal, at the end of the day, no matter what anyone says, you can't tell me what to do, so fuck off. Unless you're on this list, in which case, you CAN, but I might not listen. Though if you are high up on the list chances are I will.

11. Thora Birch

I have to admit, I forgot what this list is about at this point. I should probably wrap up. But check out my Twitter HERE if you want to read more of my mind-goo, and remember...always always ALWAYS something or other, lost my train of thought, so tired.